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Submitted on
August 6, 2014


24 (who?)
Sleep, my perfection
and I too will shut my eyes
like the moon mourns the light of day
so it can slip away
into a union with the sky.

Then the stars will wink at us from above,
privy to our not-so secret love,
and our slumber will resemble
the softest of waves as they tumble
into each other with unbridled joy.

As chilled air seeps into our shared dreams,
we will nuzzle up and burrow deep,
inhaling the scent of the freshly laundered
before the hours are quickly squandered
by a sun that swiftly draws the night away.

Yet fear not, my love
for we have learnt to allay the dawn--
when it cajoles the night to retreat,
we smuggle the stars in cottony sheets
and covet the moon with our kisses.

And the night will never feel as young
as when our bliss has sung
the lyrics of a life now lived as one.
This poem took me days and drained my nights of sleep but now I'm ready to let it see the light Smiley soleil - Sun 

Heartfelt thanks to :iconaccuracy0: for inspiring this :yayay: - NaNoEmo 24/30 + Plz 
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prettyflour Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist

Hey there,


Prettyflour here on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition: with the critique you requested.


I think you picked a great title- it hints at romance which the poem delivers but it also speaks to the other major content of the poem- sun vs moon- day vs night.  There is a wonderful mix between these two things and it’s the very thing that makes this poem so successful.


Having said that, you also did quite well with the rhyming and flow and the vocabulary lends a beautiful imagery to the poem. I very much enjoyed this!  Thanks so much for sharing you words.
carmennge Featured By Owner 6 days ago  Hobbyist Writer
WOW! Your comments really touch me, Cindi. Thank you so much for the thought and care you put into giving me such useful comments Hug 

The pleasure of sharing words is all mine. Thank you again from the depths of my heart Heart 
prettyflour Featured By Owner 5 days ago  Hobbyist General Artist
My  pleasure.  :heart:
Accuracy0 Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
 This poem is a masterpiece. Hug 
carmennge Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
WOW! That's a huge compliment Thank you! Thank you! 

Thank you so much bb for inspiring me everyday I Love You Emote 
MayaAngelDay Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2014  Student
:') so sweet <3
carmennge Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Oh! Thank you so much for the comment Love 
ourage Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Aw, what a sweet poem! I love the imagery.
carmennge Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hug Thank you kindly for the sweet words!
seriousmess Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
carmennge Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the comment! I am humbled by such a comment from an amazing poet such as yourself! :) (Smile) 
seriousmess Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Silly, you deserve it :D
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