I think you picked a great title- it hints at romance which the poem delivers but it also speaks to the other major content of the poem- sun vs moon- day vs night. There is a wonderful mix between these two things and it’s the very thing that makes this poem so successful.
Having said that, you also did quite well with the rhyming and flow and the vocabulary lends a beautiful imagery to the poem. I very much enjoyed this! Thanks so much for sharing you words.